Narratives

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

(unhumorous) humor writing

WEATHER FORECAST: IT’S RAINING MEN
by Michael N.R. Bonghanoy

WHEN THE WEATHER GIRLS SANG “It’s raining men! Allelujah! It’s raining men! Amen!” back in 1983, many women flocked to the streets just about half past ten to witness for the first time in history the raining of men. Every Specimen! Tall, blonde, dark and lean / Rough and tough and strong and mean. So many women went out of their houses so that each and every woman could find her perfect guy. Obese women who has difficulty finding the right men their size, old women with saggy breast and dead lovers, ugly women too hideous to marry, women trapped in men’s bodies, disgrunted mistresses with tiny-dicked lovers, dry nuns, prostitutes, etc. In closed quarters, the feminists were arguing among themselves how to address this crisis. The lesbians were also contemplating the effect of this meteorological phenomenon while the butches were readying their motorcycles to run over the men who will steal their girlfriends.

And so it happened, Mother Nature took off to heaven and did what she had to do / She taught every angel to rearrange the sky / So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy. And they began to fall. One by one. The women gathered in the streets exclaimed: Allelujah! Amen! But oh, Mother Nature should burn in hell for the sin of omission. She forgot the law of gravity. A 300-pound man fell so fast he crushed an old matron in a cane, a bulimic model, and a slightly overweight virgin (there were no known survivors). Then old and toothless men fell on top of a group of prostitutes (three died of hemorrhage while four suffered a severe concussion). A few men with free wheelchairs fell and injured many. There ensued a general panic as muscled men, skinny men, tall men, blonde men, dark men, rough men, tough men and other kinds of men fell. Many fell over the sea and drowned. Many fell on roofs and destroyed property. Many fell on the streets and crushed their bones and skulls on the pavement. And many fell, piled on top of women and killed them.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: (1) The law of gravity applies to all. (2) Never trust Mother Nature. (3) When men start falling from the sky, run for cover. (4) Don’t expect men falling from the sky to be alive and kicking when they hit the ground. Amen!

Posted at 08:49 am by iskolar
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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

That Faint Line Between Fate And Coincidence

That Faint Line Between Fate and Coincidence

May Love L. Oniola

Oded Kehr said one of the most quotable lines in the movie The Mummy – “There is a faint line between fate and coincidence.”

Indeed, the terms are so interlocked with each other, I can’t say where the first term ends, and the last one begins. When one says “Fate” it usually means that everything that has happened, is happening and will be happening in ones life has been preordained, predestined, fated or maktub . On the other hand, when one says “coincidence” (or we could call it “luck”) some event happens to someone without him or her planning that event to happen – it just happens for no apparent reason.

But can’t I also say that coincidences have also been fated to happen? What I mean to say is that if I follow the thought of “our lives being preordained,” can’t I also assume that everything I thought were mere coincidences (like meeting the love of my life in the least likely of places or finding a five-hundred peso bill in the sidewalk just when I needed it most), were actually all maneuvered by Fate? So how can one event be a mere coincidence when it was fated to happen? When can I say that fate is coincidence and coincidence is fate?

* * * * * *

In 1996, the grade six students of Royal Valley (SDA) Elem. School anxiously waited for the list of students who would take the NEAT (National Elementary Achievement Test). The school had decided, since almost 95% of its Grade 6 students always pass the NEAT, that it will choose only twenty (20) Grade 6 students to take that year’s NEAT. The teachers then randomly raffled the names of the students taking the exam. I can only recall several of the names picked and they are as follows: Ricadorie, Valene, Maximo, Junife, May Love, Lendl, Figurado, Liefred. These are all unique names. What I mean with “unique names” is that they are names one usually does not read or hear anywhere. Every student in that class who had a unique name was picked out, and I had wondered that day: was it fated that all of us with unique names be picked to take the exam? Was it destined that we prove ourselves to our teachers and to our classmates that our unique names are worthy of us – unique because we’re the chosen few? Or was it mere coincidence that all of us should be chosen? After all, not all of those who were chosen had unique names. But still, I can’t help but wonder…

* * * * *

On August 12, 2000, my grandfather, Ramon C. Oniola Sr. (may he rest in peace) died at the age of 90. A day before he died, my parents, my younger brother and I visited him in the hospital. (It was my first time to visit him in the hospital then.) He had all sorts of contraptions attached to his frail and bony body. The doctors said he was stable. Then the following morning, my aunt who was looking after Lolo when we left the other day, came to our house to inform us that my Lolo had passed away.

His death was not unexpected by the entire family, for he was already 90 years old and he had been paralyzed, due to a heart stroke, for several months, but still, his death was still a blow to all of us, and, unknown to the entire family, it was a most fearful blow especially to me. For several months after he died, I tortured myself with the thought that I was the carrier of death in my family. You see, several years ago, my aunt died of cancer. I also visited her only once in the hospital, and days later she died. And I had wondered: if I had not visited them all those times, would they have lived a lot longer? I now know this is a silly thought, but then, a little child could not help but wonder of these things. Was it a mere coincidence that all those she loved should die days after she visited them for the first time in the hospital? Or was it just fate and her visitation of them had no connection to their deaths whatsoever?

* * * * *

This thought of fate and coincidence came into my head again right after I watched Chito Rono’s Feng Shui. It is said in the movie that if anyone saw their reflection in the mirror, they are fated to die. But logical thinking dictates that there are no such things as curses or fate. There are only causes and effects.

I noticed that in the movie almost all of those people who died in the movie (at least those whose deaths were explained) had their deaths coming to them. For example was the death of Luz Hernandez (the woman who owned the bakery). She died of a sickness that one can only get from rats. She fell on the floor while doing something (it was not explained what) – for she was an old woman, and old people are really prone to slippages and such – and lost her consciousness. I took notice of the bakery and it was not exactly a “clean” place, so it is not really entirely impossible that rats are roaming around the place.

Next is Lotlot de Leon’s death. Maybe if she hadn’t treated that drunken man the way she did, maybe the man wouldn’t have gone berserk and thrown her off the window. Of course, there will be those who’ll defend her actions and say, “But she was nervous and frantic! She was going to die for Chrissakes! Who could think straight when you know you’re going to die?!”

The problem with the people in that movie was that they believed in the Tarot cards, in the hula, so much. Kaya nga hula eh, kasi hula-hula lang. If they hadn’t let their emotions get the better of them, they wouldn’t have died! “But what about the Chinese woman? What about Lotlot’s vision?” Frantic minds can think of many things when they’re near to breaking down. Who’s to say that what she saw was reality or just the workings of a delirious mind?

And then, there was the death of Jay Manalo and his mistress. They were both married to different people; they knew they were cheating their spouses, and their spouses knew they were being cheated on. The difference was in the spouses: Kris was contented to plead with Jay, the mistress’s husband was not a man of words; he was a man of action, and did what a man of action does when faced with a problem – he faced the problem with a shotgun. Maybe he figured if he can’t have his wife then no man could have her either. Boom! The shot bore a hole on the wife’s lovely figure. Then he turned to Jay and pointed the gun at him. He was maybe thinking that Jay was the reason why he was never able to have his wife. Boom! Another hole on the other man. Then he bore a hole through his mouth, maybe he was thinking that maybe if he can’t have his wife in this lifetime, maybe in death, he’ll finally get lucky. Boom!

And even the matter of Kris’s procuring the eight-cornered mirror was her fault. Nobody told her to bring the mirror with her. When she wasn’t able to find the man, she should have left the mirror wherever she found it, or wherever she could have put it. But curiosity kills the cat, she brought the mirror with her, and although the cat didn’t get herself killed, she got her entire brood killed.

So, were the deaths all caused by the bagua? I can’t really say. I have never been in a situation like that of in the movie (and I am praying that I will never be put in such a situation – having all those people I love killed in a span of one week WILL kill me). But what I could say about this movie is that it was able to impart to me one message among the other messages that it is trying to say – that life is unpredictable. One day you’re living the ideal life (as what the earlier scene in the movie portrayed, with Jay coming home from work and being greeted by his family), and the next you can’t even determine whether you’re still living or just dreaming you’re alive. Despite the debate whether fate is real or coincidences aren’t true, one thing is for sure, one must live one’s life as though it is one’s first day alive or one’s last day to live.

Posted at 09:02 pm by iskolar
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She Is Grace

She is Grace
(A Profile of Ms. Marie Grace Tanquilan)

May Love L. Oniola

On the glass window of the cashier’s office, a note is plastered saying: “For STFAP allowances, please see Grace a.s.a.p.” One day, two students approached the window and read the note. One asked her companion, “Kinsa diay na si Grace?” The other one shrugged her shoulders and answered, “Basig kadtong tangkad na payat.” Although the other girls had guessed right, it was obvious that neither of them was sure who Grace was.

Her complete name is Marie Grace P. Tanquilan, and she is the one that students of the University of the Philippines in Mindanao usually go to when they need to get their allowance. I am one of those students who go to her for my allowance. One could say that she holds the key to my future. There was one incident that happened a couple of semesters ago when I almost was not able to get my allowance because when I signed one release paper and she checked my signature with the signature on my ID, she said, “Hala, dili man pareho ang imong signature diri ug dinhi.” Of course I need not tell her that the girl in the picture (without the glasses) and the girl she’s talking to (with the glasses) are the same people. She was already familiar with my face; but the differences with the signature could be held up against her when the auditing of the finances happens. So I let her do her job, and I anxiously waited for her in front of that glass window, like a goldfish waiting for its meal.

Several agonizing minutes later, she came back and apparently whatever problem she had with my signature was smoothened out because the normal procedures for the procuring of my allowance happened without another single hitch. She smiled at me, showing teeth that were hilang, and softly said, “Ayaw’g hilak. Naa na lagi kay kwarta karon.”

Because of that incident, her face was forever engraved inside my head (the tall and thin woman who works in the cashier’s office, and who wears anything but sleeveless or spaghetti-strapped top and short, above-the-knee skirt, and stiletto shoes). I knew her face so well – the curly lashes and the dark-brown eyes, the brown thin cheeks and the modestly painted lips, and the clear glasses that rode her long nose – but I did not know her name. I never took the time to know her name.

Everyday, I would see her walking down the marbled corridors of the Administration building. Sometimes her hands would be burden-free and I would see her snap her fingers to a tune only she could hear. There would always be a light spring on her step whenever she walked, and a ready smile to anyone whom she passes by and who also happens to be looking at her. She does not seem to mind showing her hilang teeth. Sometimes, I would also see her carrying folders and envelopes in her arms, and I would hear her humming.

Several days ago, I happened to be sitting on one of the marble steps of the stairs that led to the second floor of the Administration building. I was reading some articles for my class for that afternoon when I saw her coming up the stairs. She smiled at me, showing me her hilang teeth, and asked me, “Study na pud?” I smiled at her in response and, as she passed me by, I heard her murmuring under her breath a song that I vaguely recalled as one of those songs that I had sung in a Loved Flock fellowship meeting at CAP auditorium last May of this year. And I remembered seeing her there.

She is one of the longtime members of the congregation, and that day, she had gone up the stage with the other longtime members and began leading the other members (including me) into a round of hand clapping, foot-stamping, and body-swaying round of songs. (I remembered one of my classmates saying, when I asked them if they knew who Grace was, “Ah, nikanta man ‘to sya og UP hymn. In fairness, nindot siya og tingug.”)

On her way up, a colleague, who was on her way down the stairs, patted Grace on the shoulder and said in a loud voice, “Salamat ato, Grace, ha?” and she replied in a sing-song voice, “Walay sapayan.” It seemed to me then that she was famous among her colleagues and also with the other students who were familiar with her. I had seen some students approach her and offer her food during break time. Some students prefer dealing with her than with the other people in the cashier’s office because she seems to be the only one who is not frowning when she’s working. But strange enough, even though she was approachable, not many – including me – ever took the time to know her name. Just “Grace” or “Ate” or “Ma’am.” But she doesn’t seem to mind this because whenever one student approaches her in that aquarium-like office, a warm smile always springs on her face and a soft voice follows that: “Unsa ma’y ato, gang?” Indeed her genuinely warm greeting is a welcoming reassurance to those students who anxiously approach her for their allowance. Her name fits her quite perfectly – she is Grace, the woman who graces the poor students with their monthly graces.

Posted at 08:55 pm by iskolar
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Rules To Follow In A (Funeral) Parlor

Rules To Follow In A (Funeral) Parlor
As told by Lola Basyang
(Translated by Her Many-times Removed Granddaughter)

May Love L. Oniola

 No housekeepers allowed. (Do not sweep the floor.)

 The bringing of hair paraphernalia (comb, shampoo, conditioner) is strictly prohibited. (Taking a bath and combing one’s hair are strictly prohibited.)

 Barbecues are not aloud. (Don’t grill anything.)

 Please observe silence. (Music-playing/listening is not allowed.)

 Crossover players are immediately fouled out. (Do not cross from one wake to another.)

 Women on their way to maternity must leave. (No pregnant women are allowed during the wake.)

 Snow White’s stepmother and Narcissus are discouraged to enter this establishment. (Do not face the mirror during a wake.)

 Please make room. (Do not put away the dead person’s things until a year has passed by.)

 Gatecrashers and unpleasant companies are encouraged to stay for forty days. (The house must not be left empty until after the fortieth day of the dead person’s death.)

 Dracula is banned from this establishment. (The house must not be left in the dark until the fortieth day of the dead person’s death.)

Posted at 08:48 pm by iskolar
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The Notebook

The Lost and Found Love

If you’re too much of a cynic, don’t watch the movie because for sure you will roll your eyes and will probably say, “this film is too good to be true”. But there’s only one way to find out if you’re cynical or romantic at heart. Watch the movie and let’s see if you’re too cynical or too romantic.

The Notebook is definitely a film for romantic at heart. One critic says that “ it knows when to pull your hear strings and flutter you with saccharine”. Basically, the movie is about falling in love, losing your love one, and expecting and believing in miracles that someday you’ll have her/him back. It is based from the novel written by Nicholas Sparks who is also the author of the best selling novels A Walk To Remember and Message in a Bottle.

The movie is a story within a story. The movie would bring us to the present and to the past. Director Nick Casavettes bring us scenes that would shift from the past and back to the present. The story is told through a flashback. An old man named Duke (James Garner), a resident in a lakeside nursing home has a ritual of reading a love story from a notebook to an old woman ( Gena Rowlands) who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. The story that Duke reads to that old woman is a real love story of a young couple. As he reads the story, the scene would bring us back to 1940s in a small town at North Carolina. The story is about a passionate summer love affair of young Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling) and young Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams). Noah, a 19 year old man falls in love with a Allie who belongs to a high class family. The couple spends the summer together. Everything is fine until the mean-spirited mother of Allie, Mrs. Hamilton (Joan Allen) comes into the picture. Unfortunately, Allie’s class -conscious mother doesn’t like Noah because for her, Noah is trash, he is poor and he doesn’t deserve Allie. Before the summer ends, Allie and Noah end their relationship. Allie has no choice but to back to her hometown. Their break up is both not easy for them. Noah writes her a letter for 365 days but Allies’ mother keeps all the letters.

Time moves fast. Allie is now engaged to Lon Hammond, a lawyer. While preparing for her wedding she sees Noah’s picture in a newspaper. Because of that, she never loses the chance to see Noah after seven years. Meeting Noah again brings confusion to her feelings. She’s soon to be married with Lon but she’s now confused. When she’s with Noah, she remembers her free-spirited self but when she’s with Lon she’s different. She has to choose between Noah and Lon.

The movie would bring the viewers again back to the scene where old Duke is sitting beside the old woman. Duke still continues reading her the story. The old woman would ask him if Allie chooses the right man. Duke closes the notebook and says that the story ends. But a miracle happens. The old woman remembers that it is their first love and she’s Allie. Duke is the old Noah. This revelation would be surprising if the viewers haven’t read the novel.

Director Nick Casavettes film is truly unfaithful to the novel. I’ve read the novel thrice and I have already memorized the characters including Noah’s dog Clem. In the movie, I haven’t seen any dog. Thus, not everything in the novel is shown in the movie. At first, I did not enjoy the movie because, I always asked myself or my friend “Was it there in the novel?” I realized that it would be better if I completely disregard the novel when watching the film. In the movie, the conflict is clearly shown while in the novel I notice the subtlety of the conflict.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve read the novel for three times and now I’m glad to see that the characters I keep in mind is now alive. Thanks to the actors and actresses who give life to the movie. Rachel McAdams as Allie does a terrific performance because she is able to portray young Allie as carefree and very energetic girl. I couldn’t believe that she’s the one who played the queen of the meanest girl in The Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan. Ryan Gosling is also adorable. His portrayal of young Noah would make all the girls fall in love with his character. At first, I always complain why him, but as the movie goes on I learn to love his character. The viewers would really fall in love with Gosling and McAdams because they have done a wonderful job. I could really see the beautiful chemistry between them. I shouldn’t forget to mention the performance of James Garner. I don’t remember myself crying over a movie inside a movie house because for me it’s humiliating (that’s for myself only) but when James Garner, as old Noah cries upon seeing her wife Allie pushing him away and tells him that she doesn’t know him. I couldn’t help my tears from falling.

Another thing that I like in the movie is that I can’t also help but admire and appreciate the beautiful views/scenes. The beautiful flock of swans in the river for example, would drive the viewers to dream about the ideal place to spend with their love ones.

Yes, this movie like any other heartwarming love stories has the same predictable plot. Some would say that all the things that have been going on are all crap but let me say, that it is the first movie that I let my tears fall. (joanah marie ampo uddin)

Posted at 06:40 pm by iskolar
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Si Nong Max

Duhaylungsod, JC

4 BAE

Music Review

Album Title: Halad

Artist: MaxSurban

Recording Studio: Star Records

Produced by: PS Manufacturing

Kadtong bata pa ko, magbagting ning akong dalunggan inig ka dominggo sa buntag sa mga kanta ni Yoyoy Villame ug Max Surban. Unsaon man na ang akong amahan kay mahilig man maminaw sa mga kanta ining duha. Basig nag aso-aso ang dalan sa ka-init sa adlaw sa Mayo o Abril o basig kanus-a sa summer, naglanog among balay sa mga tugtog sa Jingle Bells, Rudolph the Red Nose Raindeer na gilataran ug bag-o nga ni Yoyoy. Ug sa kabugnaw sa tag-ulan, makit-an ko na magsayaw-sayaw ang akong amahan samtang nagakanta sa Opao ni Max, na mahitungod sa usa ka tawo na namroblema sa iyanhang ulo na hinay-hinay na na-upaw. Mao, sa akong pagdako, ako na pud na nakalingawan ang tugtog, hilabi na ang lyrics sa duha ka bisaya na mangantahay ug, ingon pa sa pagbrand sa mga taga music industry, mga novelty songs.

Karon, sa pag kiyod-kiyod sa mga tao sa kanta na Otso-Otso, sa pag kisi-kisi sa sayaw na Ispageti o basin man lang sa pagpiyong-piyong sa mata samtang naga-awit sa kanta na Piluka Kong Itim, daghan kaayo na mga channel, mga tv shows matag pani-udto, ug mga singers-kunuhay ang naga angkon na sila ang naka-una sa istilo sa ilang kanta: kana bang adunay pagka bastos, naay pagka-kataw-anan, na mura ang uban ug gitikon samtang ilang paminawon.

´Hahahahay Inday, ayaw ako ug pakataw-a,¨ mao siguro kini ang ma-ingon ni Max Surban sa mga mangangkunay na ni. Gikuha sa iyahang isa ka kanta, Bibingka ug Budbod, usa sa mga kanta na intir sa iyang album na Halad (Karaoke Version), na mahitungod sa usa ka tindera ug bingka na gina pangayuan sa iyahang tinda sa usa ka manindahay ug budbod. Kani na kanta, nagapakita lang sa pag gamit sa simbolo sa bingka ug budbod na sexual organ sa babaye ug lalaki. Lingaw kaayo siya paminawon, hilabi na sa mga kasabot sa simbolo sa bingka ug budbud ug sa mga tao na kasabot ug bisaya, kay ang simple na pagkumbinse sa lalaki sa bbabaye na hatagan siya ug bingka kay mura ug pagpakumbinse sa lalaki sa usa ka babaye na makipaghilawas. Aduna pa gyud diskripsyon sa bingka na, ¨nagtisngi, nagngisi¨, ug sa budbod na,¨dako¨ Gitapos ni Max ang kanta sa pag-awit, ¨Kung espesyal na imong bibingka, mas lami kining ako-a!¨.

Kauban sa kanta na Bibingka ug Budbod, naa pud ang kanta na Gihidlaw Na Intawon Ako (Mitulo Na), na basig mahitungod sa usa ka tao na nasubo ug ¨Mitulo na ¨ ang luha, ma-ingon ang kanta na adunay lain na pasabot tungos sa paglahi ug paghatag ug empasis sa ¨Mitulo Na¨. Dili na siguro nako kahinanglan pa na ipasabot sa inyo kay kabalo ko na kabalo mo kung unsa ang buot pasabot ni Max.

Apan dili lang man puro mga double-meaning na mga kanta ang unod ining albuma. Aduna pud kini mga kanta na haum sa mga bugal-bugal sa mga bisaya. And kanta na Ang Trato Ko kay mahitungod sa usa ka laki na naghistog sa iyahang uyab. Nasaugdan ang ubang linya sa kanta ug ¨Ang trato ko...¨ ug ginasumpayan kini sa usa ka koro. Pareho ani: ¨Ang trato ko, baho kaayo¨ ug masumpayan kini ug ¨puti´g ngipon,¨ unya tubagon na pud ug ¨puro pustiso¨. Mahimout kam maminaw sa kanta kay pirti kaayo ang pagtamas-tamas sa persona sa kanta sa iyahang uyab. Gihuman ang kanta sa pag-ingon sa naminaw na ¨Bantog ra naay lusay, kay bayot diay¨.

Gigamit pud ni Nong Max ang pagstereotype sa mga Bisaya ug sa mga Ilonggo sa kanta niya na Kontis Sa Hambog, kung asa kining mga tawhana kay nagpataasay ug ihi sa ilahang mga sugilanon, na kung buot huna-hunaon, puros ra but-bot. Mura ka ug naminaw anang mga hubog sa mga kanto, na kung mahubog na, magbasa na lang ang baba sa pag-istorya ug mga walay hinungdan na mga butang.

Ug tungod kay Pilipino man si Nong Max, dili gyud mawala ang mga kanta na mahitungod sa gugma (dili bugal-bugal sama sa Ang Trato Ko). Aduna ang Baleleng ug ang Gugma Ko,

Ang tempo sa mga kanta ni Nong Max kay naglahi-lahi. Sama sa bibingka ug Budbod, Diskoral, Turagsoy ug Ulan, makasayaw ka sa pagkapas-pas sa kanta. And mga kanta na Upao kay haum lang ang ka-pas-pas, apan dili sama sa na-una na gipanghisgot. Ug ang Baleleng, Gihidlaw na Intawon Ako (Mitulo Na) ug ang Trato ko kay adunay pagka mellow.

Sa sulod aning albuma, tungod kay para man siya sa karaoke, mahimo na musabay mo sa pagkanta ky Max sa iyahang mga lingaw na kanta. Napahi-unod pud dinhi ang mga sikat na kanta sa mga Bisya na Matud Nila, Bisan Sa Damgo Lang ug Dahong Laya na gikanta sa uban na mga singer na Bisaya.

Tinuod na kasagaran sa mga tugtog ni Max kay nag-gikan o halos pareho sa mga uban na sikat na mga kanta. Apan dili man pud nato mahimo na isnabon ang mga lyrics ni Nong Max kay basig tuod aduna kini pagka bugal-bugalon o pagkabatos, masinati man nato na gigamitan kini ug utok samtang gibuhat.

Sa ako siguro na henerasyon, basig tuod adunay ganahan sa mga kanta ni Nong Max ug mga singer na pareho niya, ma-ulaw ang uban na mu-angkon na gidak-an na nila ug paminaw. Basig siguro ako. Siguro dili nato mahimo na ikumpara sila kay Chopin o kay Beethoven, apan mahimo man siguro nato na muhunong sa atong pagka sundugro sa mga Amerikano, ug maminaw basig kadiyot lang sa mga kanta Ni nong Max ug lain pang mga Bisaya na Mang-aawit. Mahimo man pud siguro nato na gamiton kini aron isagpa sa mga Tagalog na ang atong pagka Bisaya kay dili lang malimita sa mga dialogue sa mga katabang sa salida. Kana kung makasabot sila!

Posted at 03:34 am by iskolar
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Step on the Gas

JC Duhaylungsod

4 BAE

Well, if you are tired of scanning those magazines for top of the rank va-va-voom motorcycles, just get a copy of the movie entitled Toque. Like its sister/brother/mother/father/whatever movie, The Fast And The Furious, also produced by Neil Mortiz (the very fact that the movie was very proud of), big and sassy big bikes were decorating the movie screen . Pick whatever style you like ( 1992 TZ250, 1992 NSR250 SE, S4, 99 ST4), whatever color (plain of with different combinations), how fast or ¨furious¨ (ach!), no matter how big and bulky, the film had it.

Having the penchance for motorcycle, my mouth was open the whole time the movie was showing, while trying to figure out how those dudes and dudettes manage to do every single exhibition they did to a very common vehicle in this generation. While they were swerving and accelerating and jumping on and off a moving train, I was wondering if I would also be able to do all of those groin aching stints. Now, how the hell did they nurse their groins by the way?

Now, how the hell were the production came up with those bikes? Well, before shooting the movie, the people resposible for the casting posted invitations to all motorcycle groups in the US to attend the filming of the movie. Bikers from all over the country, riding different kinds of bike, answered the invitation. Not only did this solve the problem of the casting production, it was also able to gather mtorcycle enthusisiasts from all over US.

But heed these simple words of advice: Just focus on the motorcycles and the motorcycle stints in the movie. Do not attempt appreciating the story line and the quality of acting of the casts or you will end up cussing about your wasted money. Yes people, sad fact, the movie was a trash. If we take away all of the stins, it would just look like a sloppy romantic/action flick between hot chics in tight costumes, very obnoxious gang leaders and a very airy lead man.

The story was all about this Cary Ford who went away to Thailand, which was always mistaken by the other casts in the movie as China, and went back to Los Angeles after six months to finish an unfinished (of course!) business he had with his girlfirend, Shane (a motorcycling chick who owned a motorcycle shop). And not to mention his uncanny engagement with the lead antagonist, Henry, for stealing his precious bikes that had ¨high-grade drugs¨ in the tanks.,

The movie opened with two racing cars, obviously alluding to the sister/brother/mother/father/whatever movie The Fast and The Furious, racing on the deserted road going to the city of Los Angeles. Behind them was a motorcycle, driven by the main character, who was trying to pass between the two arrogant eggheads in the two cars. And since he was the protagonist of the film, he was able to outdo the two racing cars and left the two machines eating a billow of dust. This was followed after by a fight scene between the two drivers of the racing cars and Ford. And again, since he was the lead character, he won the fist fight which ended up bnefitting the young car washer who got ten dollars from the wallet of the two fallen enemies.

The movie was flooding with a lot of improbabilities and incoherence. For example: Why the hell did Ford, in the first place, steal all of Henryś mercahndise? What was his reason> Was he trying to be a benevolent motorcycling hunk? Or he just did it so he can have a movie entitled the Torque? Number Two: Who told his two buddies, Val and Dalton, that their good motorcycling buddy was back in town and was somehwere in a diner beating two car racers? And after all of the body cringing and balls popping fist fight, only then did the two showed up?

Another horrendous thing about the film was the dialogues. Not only were the characters seemed to have swallowed a rock (they remind me of someone I knew at school), they also seemed to have picked almost all of their qoutable lines somewhere in the archives of the ¨Famous Movie Cliches¨. Lines like:

Val: Every major road into L.A. is blocked. I know you said it wouldn't be fun if it was easy, but does it have to be THIS much fun?

And because of the shortnss of words of the writer of this movie, some seconds later, the same character muttered this line to the protagonist,

Val: You want this hour's bad news? Every major road in L.A. is blocked! I know you said it wouldn't be any fun if it was easy, but does it have to be THIS much fun?

hereś an exchange of words between the two hot chick in the movie before engaging into a cat fight while riding their precious motorcycles:

China : You messed with the wrong chick!

Shane : [Shane knocks China off her bike] Looks like you did, bitch!

and another....

China : [before the bike duel] You want some of this, bitch?

Shane : Oh, I thought you'd never ask!

and thereś a lot more. Now, imagine all of these lines uttered in a Iḿ-so-cool-I-talk-like-Iḿ-Stallone-in-a-gangsta-role tone. Try practicing it in your own, I tell, it is fun.

And to top it up, after all of the explosions, exaggerated motorcycle speed (car windows actually got broken when the Y2K motorcycle passed them), tongue exposures, ruined motorcycles, so cliched toughie-toughie-dialogues,a nd all of the you-are-seeing-the-insides-of-a-motorcycle-while-running side effcts, the movie was just all about a get together of Ford and his girlfriend. That the fim was just an action-coated romance lick. Hahahaha! The storyline of the Notebook was better, but it also had its flaws (of course!). But thatś another issue.

So in watching this film, if you still have the gusto to do so, always, always be reminded of the warning I gave earlier.

For this movie, I give five fingers for the motorcycle and one, the middle finger, for the film itself.

List of People to be Crucified:

Director:torque.movie.com Joseph Kahn (feature film debut) Former music video director for Aerosmith, Janet Jackson, U2, Destiny's Child, Moby and Ice Cube.

Screenwriter(s): Matt Johnson, J.P. Donahue, Kevin Polay

Producers: Neil Moritz

Cinematographer: Peter Levy (Broken Arrow, Cutthroat Island)

Composer: Trevor Rabin (Deep Blue Sea, Enemy of the State, Con Air)

Studio: Warner Bros. Pictures, in association with Village Roadshow Pictures and NPV Entertainment.

Release Date: January 16, 2004 (wide)

Actors:

Martin Henderson (Cary Ford)

Ice Cube (Trey Wallace)

Monet Mazur (Shane)

Will Yun Lee (Val)

Jay Hernandez (Dalton)

Adam Scott

Faizon Love (Sonny)

Justina Machado (Henderson)

Christina Milian (Nina)

Jaime Pressly (China)

Nichole Robinson

Matt Schulze (Henry)

Dane Cook (Neil Luff)

Sources:

www2.warnerbros.com/torque/?frompage=sitemap

romanticmovies.about.com/od/torque/

www.themoviebox.net/movies/ 2004/STUVWXYZ/Torque/main-page.html

www.correspondences.org/archives/000534.htm

www.thezreview.co.uk/comingsoon/t/torque.shtm

www.ducatiridersclub.com/html/09-21-02.html

Posted at 12:08 am by iskolar
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Monday, October 04, 2004

humor writing

ALARM CLOCK

Adunay alarm clock among subdivision, dili kani kinahanglan ug battery. Pero dili nimo pwede ma-off. Hulaton lang nimo nga ma-off lang ug iyaha. Sa entiro adlaw makabalo ka kung unsa na nga oras, maski dili ka motanaw sa relo. Unsaon?

Kung mo-agi na ang pandesal boy ug nag-syagit-syagit na ug “Paaaaaannnnndddeeessssaaallll….” ang pasabot ana, alas-quatro na.

Kung mang-agi na gani ang mga trabahante sa TADECO ug STANFILCO, pasabot ana alas-singko na.

Kung maka-dungog na gani ka ug radyo nga hastang kusoga, ma-FM man o Ma-Am, alas-sais na.

Kung ikaw estudyante, ayaw hulata nga mu-agi si Nang Susa sa inyong balay para mangolekta ug lamaw kay sigurado, late na ka, alas- siyete na na sa buntag.

Kung ikaw trabahante sa munispiyo, ayaw na sad hulata nga mu-agi si Nang Susa gikan sa pagpangolekta ug lamaw kay sigurado, alas-diyes na, perti na nimong late-ta.

Kung ikaw katabang, ayw hulata nga mahutdan ug trisikad sa kanto. Palihug lang,ayaw hulata nga mamingaw ang dalan kay wala na’y mga trisikad nga ga-pundo, kay alas-dose na gyud na,tingpani-udto na.

Kung ang silingan kay madungog ang kakusog sa ilang radyo,ilabina kung maka-dungog ka ug programa sa Bombo nga “Handumana sa Usa ka-Awit”, tulog na,kay ala-una na gyud. Siyesta time!

Kung mo-agi na gani ang bata nga mamaligya uy pan de coco o diba kaha si Nong George kay namaligya ug bingka, mata na kay alas-tres na. Maklaro man sad nimo nga alas-tres na kay kung ang inyong silingan magtanaw ug TV, madungo nimo ang “The Three O’clock Prayer” sa TV, kanang sa ABS-CBN gani.

Kung mobalik na ug agi si Nong George sa inyong balay kay nahurot na ug baligya sa iyang bingka ig kung mangutana ka sa bata kung naa pa bay pan de coco human mo-ingin siya nga wala na, hala, paghinay-hinay na ug limpyo sa balay, kay hapit na na alas-kwatro. Pag-luto na pod.

Kung daghan na gani trisikad nga mang-ngagi sa inyong balay, kanang magsunod gyud ug labay, murag prosesyon, andam-andam na kay tingpauli na sa mga estudyante ug mga trabahante. Alas singko na.

Kung maka-dungog ka ug intro music sa TV Patrol, tingpanihapon na. Murag ang oras ana naa ra sa alas-sais sa hapon o diba kaha mga alas-siyete na. Depende kung uns aoras mahuman ang SCQ Reloaded.

Kung tingkatulog na gani maklaro man na kay mahilum na nag tanan. Ang madungog na lang kay ang mga ng videoke sa pikas kanto, gawas sa subdivision. Mga alas-nuwebe na na o diba kaha alas diyes o alas-onse.

Kung madungo nimo ang tingug sa mga mga dice sa mah-jong o diba kaha mga katawa sa mga lalaki, ala-una na.tulog na kay momata pa ka ug sayo.[shiella a. ildefonso]

Posted at 08:55 pm by iskolar
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column writing

THE REAL SCORE ON CHURCH WEDDINGS

When we were young a cousin of mine wanted to get married on a Sunday church wedding, full of guests and have a grand reception with of course a very exotic honeymoon trip. After so many years, I was shocked with the news that she was getting married right then and there. Now she wanted to get married as soon as possible – no church wedding, no guests, no reception and no more honeymoon. It was a quick decision after she discovered that she was three months pregnant. And I was even more shocked about the pregnancy-issue. Well, years of having no communication, things must have changed. She used to be the most reserved person I’ve known. She wouldn’t go out and play with us – running in the rain, riding bikes and climbing hills. She’d rather do the cross-stitching and knitting then play syatong with us. She wouldn’t even talk to her neighbors, except when she was asked. We jokingly assumed what her future would be. She would be the kindest nun, and the church would get more rich with her angelic face for donors would flood in the parish or a telephone operator, since she only talked when she was asked. And I was astonished with the thought that my cousin was getting married in a week. She must have changed after all. I wondered who’s the father of that child. Her mother said she stopped schooling and rather worked in a factory, where her mother was working there too. But in a month, my cousin resigned and wanted to go back to school. So her mother sent her to Davao City and stayed with my other aunt. But after a semester, she’d asked her mother to let her work again in Davao. And I don’t know how much consideration did my aunt had to give when her daughter was totally lost with her life. Funny, but when we were young, she was the only child who’s future was clear, unlike us – kids with no direction, that time. And now, I know it would be unfair to judge her easily. But whatever her reasons were let her keep it for herself.

I wondered what happened to her dreams about church weddings and stuff. Well, it was too perfect to imagine. Like in movies or even in real life, church weddings were always the most beautiful event. It celebrated two people taking their vows and making their dreams to spend a lifetime together. It was also the most dramatic event for the groom and the bride and even the invited family and friends and for the gatecrashers, too ( the EXs and the like). But all in all, the wedding would turn out to be fine and the guests would go home happy and full. And some went home carrying plastic bags containing the paid catered food. And that was it all about wedding. And after a year or so, the couple would separate and the marriage would be annulled. Now, that’s what they get after paying an expensive wedding. End of the story.

But really, were weddings are always about happiness? Was it an easy thing as 1-2-3? If I wanted to get married, especially in our country, can I be married then and then? I don’t think so. Reality check. My mom worked in the municipal civil registrar in our town and she knew how was the marriage-thing was done. And I knew too, I worked there during summers (with pay of course!) and I witnessed all the complicated papers that needed to be filled-up.

Marriage contract was the most legal document being used aside from the birth certificate. In claiming benefits from insurances, a spouse beneficiary needed proof that he or she was the legal spouse by showing the marriage contract.

How can the couple get a marriage contract? If a couple wanted to get married in a church wedding, it was always a must that both of their parents were also married in a church wedding. Next, the couple must go to the Civil Registrar’s Office and comply the following requirements: a family planning seminar, depending on the schedule and a two-day PRECANA seminar. Couples must also present their birth certificate, baptisimal certificate, confirmation certificate and GKK ( Ginagmayng Kristohanong Katilingban) certificate. Then, there would be a 10-day posting period, where the names of the couple were posted outside the office. After ten days, the wedding license would be released. The marriage contract document would be signed during the ceremony.

The fact here was that, church weddings weren’t really easy. Talking not just about the financial aspect but for the time it consumed in preparing for the documents and waiting for the license to be released. It was really not that exciting as what we have seen in movies. In reality, nakakawalang-gana. But then again, if couples were determined to be married and have their church wedding come true, then they have to undergo such effort-demanding procedure. And as for my cousin, it didn’t matter whether it was a church wedding or not, as long as her baby has a father. That’s all it mattered to her. [shiella a. ildefonso]

Posted at 08:40 pm by iskolar
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music review

yourself or someone like you : have you found yourself?

Artist: Matchbox 20

Producer: Atlantic Recording Corporation

Yourself or someone like you (1996) talked about break-ups, lost love and emptiness. It spoke of your emotion and gave you the yes-I-felt-that-emotion-too experience. It satisfied the hunger to fill in the spaces of yourself or someone like you. It was a powerful combination of five talented and music enthusiasts that created one album that dig the deepest unspoken feelings if a man. This one male-centered album explored and explained the silencing of every guy in dealing with heart problems. Each track was based on the point of view of a guy with regards to a failing relationship, a lost love, and everything that were hidden inside a man’s heart. This outburst of male emotion was a unique way of admitting the softness of the male.

Matchbox 20 had crawled out from the typical alternative band. Unlike other rock bands whose theme in every song were anger and hatred and the means of sending the message was through shouting and heavy guitar chord combination, this band sent their message in a subtle way yet very striking lyrics.

The first track was a complaint of the Real World and how he wondered to be somebody else. The message of this song was hidden behind the upbeat, happy-rhythm song. The complaint was disguised in a jolly roll of the drums. I wish the real world would just stop hassling me. I wonder what it’s like to be the head honcho. I wonder what I’d do if they all did just what I said.

All songs were written by the vocalist Rob Thomas, except Push and Back 2 Good, which were written together with their producer, Matt Serletic. The band was a great combination of individual prowess, experimenting with their instruments and taking in simple subject matters but presenting them in a new way.

Like, Push, the carrier single of this album, may be interpreted in many ways. But reading the lyrics well, it discovered the men’s position on a question whether a relationship would go on or not. This track was an expression of how hard for the guys to decide on whether they would hold on to a relationship or not. Well, this ain’t over no not here not while I still need you around.

In the whole album, the songs were always addressed to a girl. And the emotions of the guy were clear and straightforward. On issue of martyrdom or “the-waiting-in-vain-moments” were also expressed from still a stiff standpoint of men. In Hang it said, It would be good to go away someday but if there’s nothing there to make things change if it’s the same you. I’ll just hang.

And lastly, one song, Argue explicitly admitted that men were also keep “sentimental” thoughts with them during break-ups. She tells you that its over. Boy, don’t you hate it. When its over, I guess something just got lost.

But really, this album wasn’t just about male-sentiments but I guessed it catered female emotions as well. All in all, this album was YOU – everything about you.

[shiella a. ildefonso]

Posted at 08:37 pm by iskolar
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